Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize