I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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