I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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