No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
