I'm laying in your front yard are you home
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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