Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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