I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
