carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
