a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
