The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
