I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize