Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
