I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize