I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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