Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
