i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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