I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
