"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I need moral support for this bender
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
