I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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