you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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