I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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