Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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