I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
