he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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