They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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