No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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