Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
