Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
