Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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