Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
this will be a night to untag.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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