I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
