Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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