the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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