I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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