I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
