I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
