We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
