btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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