life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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