She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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