I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
