Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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