Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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