I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
