Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
