My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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