I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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