so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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