paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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