some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
