What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
