Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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