No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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