I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
