My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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