If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
