i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
