the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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