12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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