They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
