I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
