How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
