you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
